My thoughts half way through yoga teacher training.. 6 months to go..
Every 2 weeks on Saturday morning at this point in the training while my husband is out teaching, I dread getting dressed, packing my diaper bag, my snacks, water bottle, usually coffee and rolling up my yoga mat to get to yoga teacher training because I am tired.. I am in the fire.. I wanted growth and boy am I getting what I asked for! Last fall, I wanted something to focus my energy on because I was afraid I might lose that core "inner Katie" as my second son came into the world.
But, it turns out I DID want to spend energy on being a mom! A mom of a very talkative 3 year old, and a very peaceful yet nervous and wanting-to-be-held -all-the-time second child. So, I signed up for study and I've been torn - it is SO hard to get my butt there, to pack up all the mama and baby gear every time, yet I grow every time. I am tested, I learn something new, and it helps me "remember" that pre-kids piece of me, like today. We talked about Why we do yoga, to work towards enlightenment, and my "inner seeker" was fulfilled.
So NOW, I am tired.. very tired of managing too many things: being a mom of a 3 year old, nursing and a 6 month old, balancing my attention between the two.. PLUS making tons of design decisions as we opened a new healing clinic (yay!), scheduling subjects for a family member's research project, designing a new website, and yet my heart longs to make healing lotions and potions, create amazingly nutritious and yummy meals for my family, film informational videos for you all to help with millions of ailments..
So, are you wondering why I took on so many things? Me too. It's in my nature, it's a very old pattern, I know how to do it well since high school or before (think music and school and sports.. sound familiar?) and it's time I end it.. the funny thing is I can never see it coming until I am in it!! It's like starting a fire.. it can take a while before it's really going but you also have to know how many logs you're putting in it! I added too many and now the raging fire has taken hold, so I have to ask, what am I really seeking? What do I have energy for? What do I really want to do with my life (at 37 years old, with 2 young boys) in this season? What is REASONABLE? The answer today at this very moment is: good food, writing, and working toward my first half marathon in August.
So, please stay tuned on this yoga journey with me and keep me in check, will you? I am giving you full permission to call me on my stated path: Katie, how's your cooking, writing, fun going? Been to yoga lately?! Your Yoga word for the week is "Tapas" It means Fire. Heat. Effort to achieve self-realization. What do you need to do in order to really commit to changing yourself for the better? What could you do for 5 minutes of something every day that you know would drive you toward a goal? (focused time to assist in creating change)
Note to self: Build your candle with a little chaos (wind) and watch the flame rise, but not too much that it burns you out ;)
If you liked this post, Look for another one in 2 weeks. My program goes until September (ahhhh! I can do it, I can do it, I can do it)